Coach the Person in Front of You

Most of us learned to coach by copying what worked on us. A manager pushed us hard and we grew, so we push hard. A mentor gave us space and we thrived, so we give space. It feels natural, even generous. But it hides a mistake: we end up coaching the person we used to be instead of the person sitting across from us.

The Trap of “What Works for Me”: Every coach has a default. Some are direct and fast. Some are warm and patient. Some love frameworks and metrics; others lead with stories and instinct. Your default is not wrong. It just isn’t universal.

When you coach from your default, three things tend to happen:

You misread silence. A quiet person may be processing, overwhelmed, or disagreeing. You assume they’re fine.

You mistake compliance for buy-in. They nod, do the task, and learn nothing, because the approach never connected.

You blame the person. “They’re just not coachable” often means “my approach didn’t fit them.”

Before you decide how to coach someone, find out how they work. You need a few honest conversations. Try questions like:

“When you’ve gotten great feedback in the past, what made it useful?” “When something is going wrong, do you want me to step in, or give you room to figure it out?”

Then listen to the answer, but also to what sits underneath it. People are often still learning what they need, so keep asking. A few dimensions come up again and again:

1. Direction vs. autonomy. Some people are energized by clear steps and expectations. Others feel suffocated by them. A newer team member may need a map; a seasoned one may need a destination and trust.

2. Pace and processing. Fast processors want to talk it through live. Slower processors want the question beforehand & time to think. If you only reward quick answers, you will miss the best ideas from people who think deeply before they speak.

3. Encouragement vs. challenge. Some people do their best work when they feel believed in. Others sharpen when someone pushes back. Many need a blend, with the ratio shifting under stress. Pay attention to when someone needs reassurance to take a risk and when they need a nudge to stop playing it safe.

4. Format and channel. Some people absorb feedback best face to face. Others need it in writing so they can reread it without an audience. Some want a quick check-in; others want a structured weekly session. Format is not a minor detail. It decides whether your message gets received at all.

A common worry is that adapting to each person means being fake or inconsistent. It doesn’t. Your values, standards, and honesty stay fixed. What changes is the delivery.

You will misjudge people. You’ll push when they needed space, or hover when they needed freedom. That’s fine. What matters is noticing and repairing. A simple “I think I misread what you needed there” builds more trust.

In general, lead with a single question: “What would make this conversation most useful for you?”

Then listen, and let the answer shape what you do next.